Category: Personal Growth

New born babies are innocent because they have undeveloped expectations. New experiences are an unfiltered phenomena. But with each experience, the infant mind records the responses and feelings and begins the life long development of situational expectations. The baby quickly learns who feeds them, who cleans them, who takes care of them. And when the baby needs something, the baby will communicate their newly learned expectation to the parents who take care of them.

This process of expectation development serves us our entire lives. As our experiences and education accumulates, we develop comprehensive expectations on everything effecting our lives. Our sense of personal satisfaction became a function of how our experiences match our expectations. And this is where our disillusionment comes from.

Consider the following thought experiment:

Set aside your expectations and experience each moment as it actually happens.

The more we experience life as it occurs, the more we learn how wrong our expectations can be. Why?

Nothing around us ever remains the same. Like the hour hand on a clock, everything we experience is in a constant state of change. Yet we will never notice if we see life through the prism of our expectations.

Ever wonder how does a California Dime become the Ol’ Ball & Chain?

Simply look at her as if she is the same woman you have seen a thousand times before.

Turn off your self imposed Truman Show and discover how vivid life can be.

So who are your teams?

Mine were the Yankees, Cowboys, Celtics and the Islanders. Hmmmm, I can feel your judgment.

Even if you hate sports, you still have teams…

Ford or Chevy or Toyota…

Verizon or AT&T or Sprint or T-Mobile…

And now that we are adults, our teams play for keeps.

Democrat or Republican or MAGA…

Conservative or Liberal or Moderate…

Man or Woman…American or not American…

Us versus them.

In our games, winners take all the glory…and the losers are resigned to the scrap heap of history.

In real life, the winners earn more than they can ever use and the losers wind up carrying a sign on the off ramp of life…marginalized and forgotten.

Yet have you ever really thought about what separates the winners from the losers?

Once you think past the ego based answers: talent, intelligence, willingness to work hard…You start to realize how things well beyond your control are more important: the family & country of your birth, who you know, being in the right place at the right time, random luck, etc.

So as we sip our high-quality beverage of choice, consider how easily our good fortune could have been different. And if it was different, how comfortable we were enjoying our good fortune without a thought about the people who weren’t as lucky.

Yes, we were taught to live by the games we play. Yet aren’t we all more than these uniforms we wear? Are any of our successes really by our efforts alone? Do we have no experiences where our personal satisfaction does not come at the expense of someone’s degradation?

Winning is a hollow victory based on a false choice: win or lose.

Life offers a third option…fulfillment, which is only possible when no one loses.

Was it the random streak she happened to notice across the sky?

Or successfully jamming her brakes to avoid the car that suddenly stopped in front of her, and realizing her mechanic just saved her life?

Or reading the label on her favorite coffee and noticing the beans were picked by indigenous people from a distant land?

Any of these reasons or maybe the slow accumulation of experiences finally crystallized into her new epiphany:

She is one participant in her life’s journey fully realized by the choices of many actors.

Now what? Can I proceed to view my life as my own when it actually is not?

Can I look at people I do not know as strangers when their choices are contributing to my well being?

Does it make sense to pray for my nation alone when so many influencers to my life journey live beyond our national borders?

No

I can no longer view my life as I did before.

Us used to be very clear: myself, my family, my friends, my employer, my nation, my religion, and my preferences. And Them were not Us.

Yet how can my mechanic be a “Them” when he saved my life?

As I consider the food I eat, the clothes I wear, the bed I sleep on each night, and the home that provides me shelter, I realize virtually everything I utilize to support my wellness was produced by people and with resources from places around our world.

Can all these people who I rely on daily remain beyond my thoughts and concerns?

No

I must acknowledge my Us has expanded to include almost everyone.

And who remains beyond us?

Anyone who hurts us.

Now, I am finally awake.

The thing about success today is it is all about winning.

Getting the big promotion; Being hired for the great job; Signing the big client; Having your dream woman or man say “yes I will marry you”; Writing the latest New York Times #1 best seller; Buying the winning Powerball ticket; Supporting the Super Bowl champion team…

Yet the cost of winning is producing far more losers.

Have you given much consideration to what happens to the losers? This is a trick question, because all of us know exactly what happens to the losers since we have all lost many times. When we don’t get the big promotion or get hired for the dream job or our perfect man or woman says “no”, the whole trajectory of our lives is changed. The range of choices we have to provide for ourselves and our families are diminished. And as these losses pile up, we find ourselves acquiescing to lives of faded dreams.

But the cost of losing is not just aspirational.

The quality of the food we eat, the comfort of our shelter, the security of our neighborhood, our access to timely & effective healthcare, and so much more are all tied to our wins and losses.

For those of us who have more wins than losses, we are encouraged to feel we earned the spoils of our victories. And for the rest of us, we are encouraged to accept lives made excessively harder and often shorter as the cost of losing.

It is nothing short of casual cruelty to know we waste more than enough resources to provide nutritious food, safe housing, and quality healthcare for the less fortunately amongst us.

The fact that we don’t reveals the true price of winning…the loss of our basic humanity.

…We find ourselves in a place we hardly recognize.

Feel familiar? Lets consider where we are.

We were raised to value our freedom above all else. Freedom to choose our faith, our career, whether to get married and have a family. Freedom to do with our time what we choose. Yet almost all of us spend our entire lives working jobs we would never do, but for the need for money. And for the very few of us who have accumulated enough money to reclaim our time for ourselves, what price did we have to pay? Did we sacrifice healthy relationships with our spouses and children? Or maybe just our basic humanity by being willing to make unthinkable choices for huge sums of cash?

What choices? Consider the fortunes made selling food that destroys the lives of their customers…or the money made deploying planned obsolescence that kills people due to intentional system failure…or the junk science paid for by vested interests to convince people prescription drugs cure diseases…or the countless marketing jingles that associate harmful products with our most cherished values or desires.

We were raised to value the pursuit of our own happiness as one of our most cherished fundamental rights. Now we address the most important public policy issues with a simple question: How is the policy going to effect me? Is there any wonder why we are incapable of solving critical problems facing our society?

We were raised to be independent people. To build a life that allows us to be as independent of other people as possible. Today, the Good Samaritan is a snowflake, and people needing help are labeled takers. Yet do any of us actually live independently? Do we produce our own food? Build our own shelter? Pave our own roads? Fight our own wars?

The fact is we grind through our daily lives guided by values that are not leading us to the fulfillment we sorely deserve. We have exhausted ourselves on blaming an endless list of others for our lack of fulfillment. In desperation we turned to a carnival barker to lead us back out of the wilderness, only to realize he is the glitter that is most definitely not gold.

Where do we go from here?

Stop grinding. Stop digging. Stop running. Just stop, breathe deeply, then set aside the noise and expectations of our busy, modern lives. Find a mirror and take a moment to look at yourself. The answer to your fulfillment is staring back at you.

All fulfillment requires is an alignment of our physical, emotional and spiritual lives. When our values inspire choices that serve our highest purpose, we feel the euphoria of fulfillment.

Today, our values have led us to a society we hardly recognize. And our aimless wandering will not end until we realize the compass that guides our journey is broken.

Independence from each other; Freedom of each other; Self interest without consideration for each other…all lead to dystopia, because our individual prosperity is a function of the constructive contributions of all of us.

We are one humanity, interdependently nourished by one natural universe.

This is the undeniable fact of our existence.

When our values are aligned with the physical requirements of our existence, we will make choices that serve our highest purpose.

Then, and only then, will we find the fulfillment we seek.

How did we make it this far…

…given all the challenges of our modern lives?

After all the ranting, blaming, and widespread scapegoating, we stand here poised to do something…anything, but what?

Experience has taught us that more venting is definitely not working. And disconnecting leaves us bearing the brunt of a dysfunctional society, with no hope of facilitating change.

Where do we go from here?

Like any good explorer, the way forward is tied the how we arrived here in the first place. Regardless of the path we have taken, all of us are survivors. We survive, and even thrive, because we have utilized the resources necessary to support our well-being. And the only precondition for the resources we relied on is countless people, supported by our natural environment, who successfully produced the needed goods and services we did not produce for ourselves. Let this sink into your consciousness while I dispense with a modern myth.

Money did not make this happen.

We all have spent money for goods and services that were inadequate or even detrimental to our well-being. While money is a necessary precondition for accessing resources, only high quality, effective human innovation and effort, supported by our natural environment, provides the resources that actually support our well-being.

Once we acknowledge our daily well-being is a function of the effective efforts of countless people, we realize both how we survived thus far and how best to proceed.

Now consider how we make choices today. How often do we consider the countless people who contribute daily to our well-being? In fact, social norms encourage us to think only of ourselves and the people we love, and to fear other people. The values that define American society support this outlook by teaching us we have a fundamental right to pursue our own happiness.

Yet despite being empowered to provide only for ourselves and our families, we find we are angry as hell because it is becoming increasingly hard to do. Why?

Because the wealthiest people, empowered by the right to pursue their own happiness, are taking an increasingly higher percentage of global resources for themselves. Ironically, since we believe pursuing our own happiness is a virtue, we would rather blame other resource deprived people for our struggles. The culmination of our collective angst is America has put the world on notice. We will no longer allow the less wealthy countries of the world to take advantage of us anymore. This Orwellian rationalization is the path to dystopia.

Each of us has the power to expand the sphere of our consideration when we make choices. If it is an undeniable truth that we survive based on the effective efforts of countless people, then it is in our best interest to consider the general well-being of all people when we make choices that effect their lives.

Reconnecting to how we survived thus far is the guidepost for the path to sustainable well-being.

The thing about figuring out the external problems that impact our lives is the scale is too big. Most people simply do not have the time or energy, beyond taking care of themselves and their families, to connect the dots. This is why the discussion invariably becomes white noise, because the problems appear intractable. The solution is to show how the choices each of us make contribute to the problems afflicting our lives.

We are all aware of the choices we make and possess the ability to make different choices if we see the benefit. So how do each of us contribute to our own undoing? By making choices daily, framed by our values, which isolate us from the global community that provides for our well-being.

Starting with a basic acknowledgement of how we survive each day. Every person can look at their lives and see independence, freedom, self-interest, nationalism, and sectarianism are all self-defeating lies. Yet these are the virtues that define us as Americans. These values define our idea of success. As we each work harder to chase “success”, we find little fulfillment in either the journey or the destination.

The good news is this is a problem each of us can solve.

Don’t fear, blame, hate, or hurt the hands that feeds you.

Appreciating and honoring the hands that feed us, allow us to be fulfilled by the sustenance.

I love you because…

You decided to have me.

You carried and nourished me in your body for 40 weeks.

You taught me the language that expresses my thoughts and frames my dreams.

You raised me, educated me, believed in me long before I knew who I could be.

Your efforts, discoveries, and choices produced the body of knowledge I use daily to contribute to the world around me.

I am able to work because you paved the roads that lead to my job, built the car I drive, and completed all the repairs that allows my car to run.

You produce my food, my shelter, my safety, and every thing I am unable to produce for myself.

I do participate in my success, but compared to your contribution, my efforts seem nearly meaningless.

So yes…I love you. Because given all you do, loving you is the most rational, practical, and obvious thing I can do.

We have been taught death is about loss.

We mourn death.

We cry, tear clothing…fall into despair.

No more hugs. No more long conversations to the early morning light.

They are gone.

Yet while they were here, did we see them every day? No

And though we didn’t always see them, or talk to them, they enriched our lives every day.

How? Because our love made us one.

Regardless of what life offered, we knew how they thought, and what they would say. We knew they loved and supported us come what may. Knowing them made our lives better.

Does death make us forget? No

Losing physical contact is a profound loss, but once we make the emotional and spiritual connection through the love we share, we never, EVER lose each other.

This is why we should love as many people as we can. Certainly every person who contributes to making our lives worth living. Because in the absence of genuine love, physical connection is all we share…

…And death truly becomes a total loss.

I matter.

You matter.

Each of us offer our unique perspective on the reality we experience.

Each of us contribute individually to our Ecology.

Our individuality is the prism that translates our experiences and ultimately defines how we choose to connect to reality.

But our individuality is not enough for survival.

To survive, we rely on many other individuals, past and present, to provide the knowledge, thoughtful discretion, productivity and resource management to maintain the environment that supports daily living.

While experience teaches few truths are absolute, human interdependence informed by individual ingenuity is the essential truth of our existence.

Therefore, I matter, and You matter, but only WE will do…for us to prosper.